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limegreen33
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Name: Shana
Country: United States
State: Missouri
Metro: St. Louis
Birthday: 3/11/1990
Gender: Female
Interests: music, drawing, happiness, beanz, Ani DiFranco, ballet slippers, running, walking, grass, sunshine, starshine?, moonshine.., animals, holding hands, nature, rain, snow, the color green, cookies, salt, laughing, being smiled at, sleeping, surprises, chocolate, bugs, buttons, trees
Expertise: laughing at absolutely nothing at all, pretending i can sing, making maybe music
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  euphunie
MSN: limegreen311@mac.com
Member Since:
5/12/2004
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| so, junior year is over, and all the seniors graduated. I will miss Phan a lot. French won't be the same, so I'm glad that I'm not taking it anymore. The AP was killer, plus i stupidly fucked myself for it the night before. Rrr, I don't know why.
For some reason I feel like blogging. Probably because I actually feel like writing and my notebook is at Creve Coeur, not here. I could just write on notebook paper? Eh, I probably will, later. Plus this is the perfect forum because, well, it isn't a forum because noone reads my xanga anymore, or so i think. I guess my last post indicates that I was never coming back here, but it's book marked on this computer (my dad's) so i clicked on it out of nostalgia. More people still use it than I thought. I switched to MySpace, then Facebook, and now I hardly use the computer. I need to hone up my typing skills so maybe I'll consider this an exercise in typing.
These Xanga posts are oldddd.
Weird, it's bizarre to think of the people I've dated and how recent it all seems. Only a year ago today, I was still with Emily. This is strange to me. It seems like eons, centuries have passed since then. I guess in a sense it has been eons. I've (hopefully) grown and matured some since a year ago. (I'm getting irritated with this key board. It's one of those weirdly split ones, and it's sculpted kind of. Supposed to be better for your wrists...rr) And now I'm dating a boy. Something I've always needed to do, in a practical sense, to figure out my sexuality. That makes it sound like I'm just using the boy, but no, I like him a lot. Marco. That isn't his name. It is extremely refreshing to be dating someone with whom I actually have something in common. Politically liberal, pro-letting-women-make-their-own-decisions, plays harp, listens to good music, speaks French, minor is in Japanese/interested in the culture, vegetarian, socially aware/conscious, not an asshole. These are some of the many great qualities of him. He's six years, nine months, and three days older than me. It makes no difference. Before, when she was seven years, eight months, and five days older than me, it was a decidedly large gap. It's tempting to just say that she was more mature than me, but I really don't want to say that because a) i don't think it's true, and b) that would suggest that I was somehow more immature. That's just me not wanting to admit that I was acting immaturely though. Immaturely isn't the right word. Actually, I have no idea what the hell I was thinking. That was one of the most ridiculous things I have ever done in my life. It's interesting the things you remember most about certain relationships. For instance, one relationship, I remember one orgasm (not mine) very clearly, another, being mocked after saying "I love you", and another, rubbing my finger tips raw on the concrete while listening to her tell me why I shouldn't be with her, and then arguing why I should. She was in pain, I wanted to help with the pain. I feel like I threw myself at her. I definitely lost myself in that relationship. I guess it's pretty obvious what relationships I'm talking about. Why am I even trying to be cryptic anyway? noones reading this. I told everyone that I burned my fingers at work. i scraped them so badly, it was so gross for a week. It hurt to play the violin. It was ridiculous. I think I was immature. Do I feel mature now? More so, I feel like I at least have some more perspective on things. I haven't lost myself in this relationship. In some ways, it reminds me of being with Emily, because with Tyler I lost who i was as an individual. By that I mean that I deserted my beliefs and what I stood for, for the sake of being loved. I completely turned my back on all that was mine and what was my world just to be accepted in someone else's completely different world which happened to be hostile to mine. Being with Aaron makes me realize how much I was missing, not knowing myself, which reminds me of being with Emily when I did know myself. Driving to Tash meetings, lobby day, orchestra, etc. All things that I enjoyed doing, as an individual, that I could share with someone who equally enjoyed them. Maybe not the orchestra part as much, but I just mean music in general I suppose. Tyler liked bad emo music. Annnd I regret to say that I went along with it.
New paragraph: For some reason, I miss Emily. She still uses Xanga. I wonder if she'll ever see this. Maybe, maybe not. I feel like somehow I'm kind of hoping she will. I don't know why. When we were talking about it, Aaron made a point that there might be a distinction between loving someone and being in love with someone. I think I agree with him. There are a couple of people that I feel I truly loved and still love. I guess if it lasts, it was true. The distinction is that you don't necessarily want to be in a relationship with the people you love. This is obviously true of familial love and for me, Franny is an excellent example of this. I love Franny, but not in any way that I would want to be in a romantic relationship with her. I simply love her. To be blunt and honest about it, I still love Emily. But you might say, that I still love the Emily that I knew which was a year ago and more, so that's kind of a conditional statement. It seems complicated. I love Aaron, but I am in love with Aaron as well. Therefore, I want to be with him, seems simple. And he's calling. I like him, a lot actually. Did I feel like this with Tyler? I was really unhappy while I was dating her. I told her I loved her, was I telling the truth? I really have no idea. It's weird, because I remember very clearly in particular one time, when I was on my bed in my house and Emily was there. Striped bed cover, Reckoning in the CD player on the dresser: I remember a feeling that I had which at that time I called love and I think I was right to call it that. When I was with Tyler, I thought a lot about whether I should be in relationship with her or not, whether I wanted to be. I really didn't know who I was or what I wanted or needed. I just felt out of place a lot: in bars, hotels, and coffee shops. It was ridiculous, bizarre. What does a sixteen year old do in a bar anyway? I mean, that statement alone sounds absurd. How many martinis went down my throat in how many bars. Not that many bars, but it felt frequent. Of course that statement sounds absurd, but it also feels absurd to refer to myself as a (now seventeen) "sixteen year old" with all the connotations that phrase has of immaturity and ignorance. It makes me cringe to think that I might be written off as an insolent teenager. I mean, I'd like to give myself more credit but wouldn't we all. I guess I just mean that I am fully responsible for my actions however immature or ignorant they may be and some of the connotations to being a "teenager" still can't make their own decisions and therefore cannot be held accountable for all that they do. I'll take all the consequences to all my actions, good and bad. I don't want credit for being more than I am, I just want credit for being me. *Bah-dump-chh* and that was the corny, self-righteous-adolescents campaign slogan for the night.
Keyboard Confessional:.
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| goodbye...
to eighth grade
to what i loved and lost
to regret
i will remember it
i will cherish it
i will savor it
thank you
and
goodbye...
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| It's April 9th :]
This Thursday is Keller Williams!!! Who's excited!!
:D :D
I had a mighty good Sunday. I think i know someone else who also might have had a pretty spiff Sunday
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| ironic isn't it.
last post: soccer = fun
this post: soccer = quitting.
It's kind of between soccer and TASH, this Wednesday is our first game and also TASH meeting. I don't know how many meetings i'd have to miss after this one. Tash is more important to me. Plus when i get home i'm usually too tired to practice. I will miss it though..
After a month of no caffeine, i have gone back to drinking tea.
i saw RENT today, amazing singing. i love One Song Glory, Franny.
I also found my Andrew Bird CD which Laura burned me.
I live for Thursday.
Today, i don't even know what came over me, but i spent like maybe four hours doing positively nothing.
back to my old late night habits. back to me.
:]
peace
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| woohoo i made soccer! and it's fun fun fun :]
it's the nineth for the... fourteenth time! haha
guilt and innocence, they are a matter of degree
what is justice to you, might not be justice to me.
i wish i had my guitar now so i could play that and sing :] i touched my guitar for the first time in months last weekend. not too shabby i must say, i remembered how to play brief bus stop but that was the most recent one i learned. must re-learn to the teeth.
yesterday i came home from soccer and you know how your muscles kind of shake if they're too tired? well that happened to my bicep when i tried to practice. :S i'm rarely physically too tired to practice, but it happens.
i wanna take bass lessonzzz
and i really really really really want a dog.
will somebody just get me one for my birfday so my parents just can't say no?
shh it'll work i swear.
...apart from the fact that it costs over a $100 to adopt a dog from the Humane Society.
TOMORROW IS FRIDAY
^i am soooo glad that it is almost the weekend.
i <3 my baby!!
-kerplooey-
P.S. just kidding, half :P | | |
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